I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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