i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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