using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
