For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
