My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
