sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
