i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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