Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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