i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
