I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
