burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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