My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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