I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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