Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
