Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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