I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
