We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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