theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
