i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
