Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
