I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
