i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
