i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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