why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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