How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
