My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
