genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
