so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
