Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Randomize
