so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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