Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
