we should wear snuggies to the strip club
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
