I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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