he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
