i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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