I wish my penis had an off switch
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He? As in you personified your dick?
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