I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
