i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
