nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
