I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
