how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
