I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
