The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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