Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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