I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
