I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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