Church boner. Awkwardddd
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
