if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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