Sober January is a disaster.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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