can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
